bath

I love our bath tub. With the benefit of the new drain stacey installed and the thing that covers the upper drain it's like having a hot spring right at our fingertips. I get in light some sage and candles put on the Tibetan bowl music and it's like I'm transported.

I'm glad I'm not graduating this year. I don't know nearly enough. I made a mess of last year and I'm still getting my bearings. But I feel much more confident thanks to the physical exam and I'm greatful to Edward for his coaching.

I tried to make brownies today, and Stacey helped me and we followed the recipe exactly and what we ended up with were brownie crumbles. Delicious for topping ice cream with but definitely not brownies.

I'm beginning to think my mother was insane or under the influence when she told me I was cursed with the ability to do everything well. She never baked either so she was never exposed to my inherent lack of skill with anything involving pies, cakes, pancakes, and brownies. That's alright. I have a wife who is more than capable.

I thought for awhile I was scared of being successful, but now I realize that what I really fear is failure--- is never being able to do anything well enough to get along and have a normal life. I don't think I'm a genius anymore. I don't think I was cut out for greatness. I just want to own a home, be able to afford kids, and enjoy life, and have some job security. I want the American dream, maybe that's all I've ever wanted. It's not so radical is it?

I am trying to imagine the economy falling apart as a philosophy. I am trying to think that in the same way things felt completely different one year ago, that they may feel infinitely different in 2010. What do I fucking know? I was a literature major in college, and a bookkeeper at a non profit. I was an adequate trauma nurse for a year. I've done a lot of things in my life, but figuring out my own trajectory as it relates to the economic trajectory of the country are not my forte and I'm not a goddamned fortune teller, and so far I'm 0 for 19 tries to win the lotto (including both my Colorado and California purchases) so I'm not going to put a lot of energy into gloom and doom because I think the financial outlook is shit right now. What do I fucking know? Obama is smart and his cabinet is smart and if the republicans and dumbasses that got us in this mess will just get out of his way maybe he can turn this around? Who knows? I'm in grad school anyway--- for one more year of joyous oblivion I don't need to worry about this at all.