A Team

When I was 8 years old my two best friends were Nate Woodlee & Robert Staehlin. We went to the Y together everyday after school and played until our parents picked us up. There was a Galaga space invaders video game that we saved up quarters to play. Our second grade teacher was Mrs. Burke and she was super nice. My favorite tv show was the A Team and my mom & dad and I lived in Tangledwood Oaks in Lakewood, CO. My life was predictable. There was a playground and a pool at the apartment complex. I learned how to make snowballs there and my parents bought me a plastic sled that I drug around the snow by the rope because there weren't any good hills around. I had purple moon boots. I had a guinea pig that I never named. He was black and brown and white and fuzzy.

That was 25 years ago. But I have been thinking about the perfectness of that year because recently someone stole Stace & I's dog and I have been trying everything to find her. Stacey too. It's hard because it will be 3 weeks since we've seen her tomorrow. It is heart breaking because she was like our kid and I've been with her and Stacey since 2002. I miss her. The only thing that holds my attention now and doesn't make me feel like crying is watching the fucking A Team.

I need to get back to work though and I need to get my shit together and I need to be hopeful and patient and try to keep my balance even as these waves of grief come over me when I'm walking home or as I'm buying a new toothbrush, or when I walk downstairs to let someone in and worry that she will get out but she's not there.

Whoever did this is a god damned rat bastard and I hope to God that they are taking care of her. She deserves to be taken care of and treated well. She is 10 years old and she is a great dog and I miss her more than I ever would have guessed that I would. I wish the A Team was real. I wish that when motherfuckers did fucked up things there was a group of guys that would show up in a black van and beat the fuck out of them. I wish that when powerful corrupt motherfuckers did fucked up things that black van would drive up and the same thing would happen. I wish I could sick Mr. T on their ass, or blow up their vehicle, or shoot the ground at their feet. But I would be satisfied to know that they have this same sick feeling in their stomach. That they can't finish a hot dog or a piece of fried chicken without putting aside a piece for the dog that's not there, or wondering if she's had enough to eat, or if it's true that they fucking shaved her in the middle of winter. I would be satisfied and I wouldn't ask any fucking questions if they would just take her to the SPCA and give her back. It isn't right to steal a dog. It is mean and fucked up and they took her from a loving home as well. Whoever did it may try to comfort themselves with the idea that Stacey and I will never find them or get revenge for what they've done. But God will take care of that for us. Bad things may happen to good people now and then... but bad things happen to bad people every second of everyday. Karma assholes. Karma that they won't even seen coming because it won't show up in a black van with red stripes, or a cop car, or with a mohawk and thick gold chains. It will surprise them with its ferocity and unexpectedness. It will destroy them with it's exacting of the cruelty they have exercised themselves. And in the end balance will be restored and god willing we will get our dog back.

I know I have no control of the outcome in this. I understand that now. I can light candles and burn incense and pray the rosary and hold my wife while she cries, and cry into her as well. I can say I give up and keep trying. I can keep trying even though part of me has given up and I can stay positive even though I know what I want is unrealistic. I can live with contradictions, that is one of my strengths. I forgive whoever did this as well because I know I will never know who did this. It is easier to forgive them knowing that they will suffer for what they have done. It is easier to forgive them when I tell myself they are taking care of Kaia. It would help me a lot to have her back home but you can't have everything.

Apparently this year is about learning about what really matters and what really matters to me is my family and my friends... I also like to believe in basic human decency. The motherfuckers can go fuck themselves. The motherfuckers can do a lot towards making amends with me by giving back my goddamned dog.