Mind blowing

Well I did it. They say you can never go home again right? Or did I remember that out of convenience just now as I'm exhausted as I didn't sleep for 4 nights because I missed Stacey and there were just so many worms squirming around my brain after I opened the can. I tried to talk to my mom about not being able to talk to her for so long, to explain why I'd needed space and she wouldn't let me changing the subject, and flat out telling me she didn't want to talk about it when I asked her. This was a relief to me. I feel so guilty for my absence that it makes me apologize for everything I do when I'm around her. With that said she and my father are fine, they are heart broken about my aunt but what I saw that they love each other and that they help each other and that they are definitely going to be ok.

What killed me: my mom told me that I am now going to be the executor of their will (I don't want to think about that at all.); that my aunt's husband (the abusive asshole) has been mailing cards to my parents since my aunt's death; that my aunt had a pendant of me when I was 5 that rolled out of her suitcase when my mom opened it. When I touched it last night it was like I couldn't stop crying. I just felt such profound grief there was no undoing it. And my mom held me in her arms and cried with me.

We hung out with Jenn and Homero one night and it was cool. I really like him the more I get to know him and see them together the more I like him. I think I picked the perfect amount of time to stay. If it were closer it would be different but I am being stalked by the CA Jury Duty posse and have a lot of grunt work to do so that they don't put me on jury duty during fall quarter.

With that said I miss my parents shiba inus when I got home Kaia looked giant and reproachful as though she could smell Omake & Chiko and their puppies and I was a very bad mommy for going to play with dogs for a week while she stayed at home. The puppies made me wonder why I hadn't gone to veterinary school instead of nursing school. My parents made me wish I was more successful so I could send them money. They didn't ask for it I just feel like it is at the crux of a lot of their worries and I feel kind of helpless to help them right now.

I am so grateful to be back in SF with Stacey. I just wish Colorado were closer so it didn't have to be a trip planned well in advance.