the beach

Today was hazy and foggy the trees and leaves were glazed with moisture and everything seemed dewy and glittery. I brought my camera with me to the shuttle stop in the hopes of getting a shot of the hummingbird who hangs out in the tree across from the stop. He fills my attention so completely when he's there that I thought he was bigger but when I tried to get a picture of him even with my zoom pushed to its outer limits I found that he was little more than an ovalish dot in the foreground. I tried to take a shot from beneath the tree only to find he was even smaller than I'd originally thought. His body is little more than an inch long and just under a half inch wide but he is so amazing to see. And I have no choice now but to visit him in his habitat when I want to see him because there's no way I'll get a good picture of him.

Stacey's father had his surgery today. They were able to stabilize his heart and he was alert when he came out of surgery. I hope Jack pulls through. He make Stacey who she is, and he was there for me and treated me like family when my own family didn't and for that I am very grateful. Maybe that's why today even though Stacey was totally stoic I was teary. I love Jack, and I don't want Stacey to lose her father. I love Stacey and I want things to even out for her. She's been through so much this year.

So tonight when she got home from work I suggested we go to Ocean Beach. We left around 5 and stopped for burritos. I went in and got them and Stace talked with her brother on the phone. Stacey is closest with her brother. I'm guessing no one has heard from her younger sister. I am stunned by this, because she is daddy's little girl. Part of me feels as though something must be very wrong, for this to be happening this way--- and I feel like Stacey must too.

So when we got to the beach we talked about the ocean and the first time we went to a campfire together. We talked about the Sleater Kinney concert where we had our first kiss. We sat down and ate our burritos at a firepit shaped like a starfish and we shared bits of burrito with the dog. It was warm at the beach despite the foggy haze and we walked along the gray sand watching the ravens and sandpipers and pelicans. A circle of seagulls were circled up for a meeting. An australian woman had some small athletic furry dogs that played with Kaia. A little boy ran from her like she was going to eat him and she loped after him for awhile and got bored.

We held hands and watched the tide roll in and out. We didn't talk as much as we were just together exploring. It was the perfect follow up to yesterday.

The sky was pale gray and the waves were darker gray spreading along the horizon and bursting like a seam at the edge of the sky with white foamy curls. It was mesmerizing and the smell of the saltwater and sound of the waves and the relative quiet was just what we needed. Beyond the cliff house the trees felt foreign and ancient. Giant ravens stood facing each other toward the great concrete wall.
Someone had graffritied "the city is to man as a cage is to a bird"

Fresh tractor tracks lined the shore and I walked in them the sand packed tightly in parrallel tracks. Kaia stayed with us off leash. We felt intact. I felt like we made sense, like walking along the beach took us out of the chaos of Stacey's family, and the trauma she's been experiencing at work because of the low staffing and the extremely disturbed violent nature of the kids she works with.

I felt small beside the ocean and cared for, part of a natural order of things. I am going to spend more time there and when I learn to swim better I am going to try surfing because there is something about the ocean that makes me feel at home.