Independence

I liked L & D. I did. It was like I had purpose. I was there to keep mom comfortable. I was there to help encourage her, and make sure she kept her head about her. I was there to make sure her support team was being supportive rather than annoying her with flashing cameras and obnoxious teasing. I felt helpful. I felt blessed to be part of the process--- for real. And for the most part across the board the moms were happy and that was encouraging. It was encouraging to me that despite their financial situations, despite their varying degrees of familial support/lack thereof in spite of all of these things these women were finding meaning in birth, were optimistically looking forward to motherhood and all of its responsibility and rewards.

But at the clinic things feel very different. There are a lot of women who come in frightened of losing their job because they are pregnant. There are women who come in feeling guilty that their birth control failed and they simply cannot have the child for perfectly valid reasons. There are women in abusive situations who want to stay in them but don't want to bring a child into it. There are women who are completely alone and new to the country and trying to suss out what having a baby will mean. And there are a lot of pap smears, and STD testing and pelvic exams. And everything feels so clinical, so procedural. And I long for the hospital. Because even though our team was stretched at the hospital we had more time to do teaching, more time to get to know the patients, so that we were able to really treat the patients rather than just scratching the surface.

I have never had a pregnancy scare. I have never had birth control fail. I have never had an abusive partner or parent that I lived with who I would be afraid would hurt me if they knew I was pregnant. I have never had an abortion. I have never given up a child. I have never given birth to a still born baby. I have never had to leave my children behind with my parents in my home country so that I could work in the US and make money to support them. I have never been 14 and pregnant. I have never passed kidney stones the size of capers. I have never had an STD. I have a partner who loves me, and whom I love and trust with all my faults and dreams. I wish these qualities did not make me unique.

I find myself listening to my patients and wishing them peace. I find myself wishing them health, and joy, and independence. I wish them freedom from suffering. I wish that in their lifetime they will enjoy the freedoms I've come to take for granted. I wish they will take stock in their own self worth and choose their own path. So much of what we do is after the fact. So much of what I'm learning to manage are things that have gotten out of control, processes that would have been much better to address earlier on and what have you.

So many of these women seem like they just need a friend, or someone to talk to. I wish I had more time to spend talking with them, helping them to get out what was bothering them. There is something about people giving voice to their struggles that can be transformative--- just by listening to them you validate their authority on their own life. That's the part I like about being a nurse. That's why I wanted to become a nurse in the first place. But right now it has very little to do with what we are learning.