Grieving

My mom is very much in mourning and I see there is no pulling her out of it. She needs to work through it on her own. I call to talk with her and I hear the sadness in her voice and I wonder what is wrong with me for not being able to emote as well. I know the feelings are there. I am sad for example that my kids will never know my aunt, will never know what she was really like what she meant to me, or my mom, what it was like to be around her. And I worry because they are getting old this is the most frightening thing to type but I do worry that there is a chance that by the time Stacey and I have kids they won't get to know their grandparents either and that is really terrifying to me. I am uncomfortable with death I am uncomfortable with growing old I am uncomfortable with change. I am 32 years old and I don't like the uncertainty the vulnerability that comes with mortality. I want to grow old with Stacey I want to grow old with all of my friends and my family I want us all to live forever. I don't want to be afraid like this. I don't want to be ill at ease.

So I picked up this book How Doctor's Think, thinking if I read it I would learn the questions that relatives need to ask that I need to ask myself and other medical professionals to make sure we're really getting the big picture here. And I am reading it and it just makes everything seem even greater than I'd imagined and I am trying not to stuff all these thoughts and feelings down with shortbread cookies dipped in chocolate and macadamia nut brittle because we have a shit load of it.

Before my aunt passed away I wasn't interested in food at all and now it is the main temptation I give in to in favor of sitting down thinking about this and letting myself be vulnerable. I want to protect my parents. I want to protect Stacey. I want to protect myself. And I don't want to feel this loss. I thought I could skip ahead to acceptance I thought I had made that leap and I haven't. I can't. I am sitting here in my apartment with Stacey wondering what the next step is. I am having a hard time imagining what life will be like when school starts.