legacy

So this weekend as we were walking back from dolores park stacey and I came across a pile of boards, perfect for painting on. I picked up the bigger ones and she grabbed the smaller scraps for projects with the kids. The idea of painting on boards felt exciting to me reminded me of college when I was broke and I did a lot of painting on boards, cardboard even at times just to make ends meet. I picked up the old sharpie tonight and started drawing rough sketches from the ancestor pictures my mom brought with her. I started drawing a picture of my aunt mary and I foudn myself thinking about the color of her hair and her voice and remembering how beautiful I always thought she was and how comforting her smile was, how warm she was. I love her and I know I'll be able to remember her. I'll be able to share her warm approach with others. This is mourning, the other side of it. Understanding this is part of life.

When your drawing someone you have to really look at them. I usually start with the nose and that's the hardest part. Once I get the nose down then I build around it. I like to sketch first because it lets me rework and rework and rework again. But on my aunt's portrait it was like I didn't have to rework very much at all, because her face is in my mind. And I see her the way she looked when I last saw her when I was 18--- 14 years ago. And I remember the way she smiled. She smiled like someone who was happy, deeply happy. It was rare that she wasn't smiling. It was rare that she wasn't thinking of other people and making them happier.

I am still reading that book how doctor's think and its not so haunting anymore. Its getting towards the end and its talking about coming up with treatment plans that match the patient's philosophy of life. And that is something I am all for. I think my aunt was ready and I think she knew the breathing treatments weren't working long before they told her about the tumors. She told me that she loved me more than flowers and when I didn't know what to say or how to say goodbye she guided me through both. And now that she is gone I just have to ride this out myself. I am optimistic.

Roshambo looked great this morning. I think he's getting healthier and if we can bring a goldfish back from the edge and make the three newbies happy then there is no limit to what we can do is there? Beautifying the fish bowl. Buying kaia pork from the carniceria. Going for donuts and coffee tomorrow. These are things that make me feel like my little world is more manageable and that is my favorite feeling in the world.